WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

[Anonymouse]

Okay before we go any further it must be understood that what you are reading does indeed get very sick, raw, and might be offensive. If you choose to read then read. There are jokes that might come offensive to some and others who are warped and twisted like me might laff their asses off. So you are entering at your own risk. Enjoy if you read them, and if you read them and don't like it, well I don't know what to say but I warned you.












A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no: I never found her head.






What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night?

Crib death.




Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it.





What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat.





What's red and orange and looks good on hippies?

Fire.




Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."




Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."





Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"








There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...

They buried her.





Q: How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?

A: One, but you have to throw it really hard.




Q. What's worse than ten dead babies in a barrel?

A. One dead baby in ten barrels.



Q: Why did the baby cross the road?

A: It was stapled to the chicken.




Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.




Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was stapled to the koala.




Q: Why did the tree fall over?

A: The koala never let go.




Q: Why did the kangaroo die?

A: Because the koala landed on it.




What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?

Art.



What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a boiling pot?

Stu.



What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs hammered into a piece of wood?

Peg.





How do you get a goth out of a tree?

Cut the rope.




Q: Why do women wear makeup and perfume?


A: Because they're ugly and they stink.

[TVAdict710]

you have a very sick and twisted mind. i cant wait for more jokes.

[Anonymouse]

Damn 45 views, 1 reply, I guess people didn't like it.

[mizzcharagigi]

lol... don't worry my little MOOKIK... i liked it =)

[Lilya]

ya i liked it too ;)

[TVAdict710]

meeeeeeee threeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[rainman]

instead of wasting the potential and fine energy that you have on usesless jokes and riddles, i suggest that you read a book, or watch a documentary program. life has a limit, and if you waste it, then what good did you accomplish that you and your community could have benefited from.

[friend]

Gotta hand it to you pretty good.

[Jen]

Hmmm...I thought there was a post somewhere asking ppl to not exumate threads...hehehehe

[ArmenianKid]

Whats gross?
A pile of 100 dead babies

Whats grosser then gross?
One is alive at the bottom

Whats grosser then that?
He ate his way out

Whats grosser then that?
He dove back in for more

[Thai-Samurai]

i would've replied but its hard to type w/ one hand,

[Fedayeen]

lol

That was good...

[ArmenianKid]

How do you get 100 dead babies out of a truck?

A pitchfork

[Quarteria]

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

*standing ovation* :D

[anon12]

i got some pretty xxxxin sick jokes
1)what's the difference between a train carriage and a miscarriage
you cant eat a train carriage

2)what do you call a black asian man with aids
coondiesoon

3)knock knock
whos there
Cancer!

4)what did the deaf dumb blind kid get for christmas
a pinball machine

5)How did the nun lose her virginity
she was raped

6)What do you call 1000 black people running down a hill
mudslide

7)What is the difference between dead hookers and onions?
i cry when i cut up onions

8)When do you know when a dates going bad
When you spike your own drink with rahypnol (rape pill)

9)What do you call a cow masturbating
beef strokin' off

10)Whats black and blue and scared of me
the 8 year old in my closet

[One-Way]

Funny.

[teemee131]

1) What's the difference between a baby and a sandwich?
You don't xxxx a sandwich before you eat it.

2) What's the difference between a black man and a park bench?
A park bench can support a family.

3) What's black and blue and in my basement?
The 8 year-old i just raped

4) How do you get a baby out of the blender?
Nachos.

I feel bad telling these jokes.

[One-Way]

4 is disgusting.

[Ari]

top thread, love it


cool ones

1 what do you call a greek who is falling off a building?
con descending

2 rape isnt funny unless your raping a clown

3 why does Beyonce Knowles sing to "to the left to the left"?
Because black people have no rights.

4. How do you stop two black guys raping a white girl?
. Throw them a basketball.

5. why did the turk cross the road? to bash the chicken
why did 10 turks follow, cos the chicken was winning


cannot get any sicker then these

definition of disgusting?
shoving 7 oysters up your grandma and sucking out 8

what is the difference between an onion and a baby?
i cry when i chop up onions

how do you make a baby cry twice?
cum on the teddy bear after you have finished raping it

[becka221]

A man and a girl are walking through a wood when the girl looks up and says "i dont like this its dark, cold and im scared"
the man replys "how do you think i feel ive got to walk back alone"

waht do black men get after sex? 15 years to life

in a recent survey it was found 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

whats 14 inches, stiff, has a purple head and makes women scream at night? cot death.

whts the best thing about sex with twenty six year olds?
theres 20 of them.



appologies.. lol

[Armenian]

Who here thinks raping children and eating babies is funny?! Who here thinks raping dead women is funny? Who here thinks 'raping' is funny? What the xxxx it this thread doing in this discussion board? And you xxxxxxxss who run this board have the balls to censor xxxx about xxxs? What the xxxx is wrong with you people? Somebody please shut down this thread and delete the disgusting posts above.

[Ari]

i think its all funny im a sick wierdo mate

how about you read the title?

[Ari]

ahahhaah

go cry yourself to the duduk


armos need to lighten up there xxxxn jokes

[PepsiAddict]

Social Security:


A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

[crusader1492]

Social Security:


A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

I don't get it MrPepsiHye :confused:...can you explain the punch line for me? Why would dropping his pants help get disability????

[PepsiAddict]

I'm not MrPepsiHye, my nick is PepsiAddict.

& you need to read between the lines to get the joke...GoodDay.

[crusader1492]

GOOD DAY SIR!!!

http://img239.imageshack.us/img239/6084/hairafterwr2.jpg

[bowlfish]

Got some good ones too...

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
So you can cum on it's face

Tommy asks his friend: "So what did you get for Christmas?"
His friends replies: "I got a bike, a go kart, a quadbike, an xbox 360 with 30 games, a PlayStation 3 with 30 games, an electric guitar, a drum kit, a new PC, a laptop, a surround sound entertainment centre, a new watch, loads of clothes, loads of sweets, a holiday around the world, and loads more!"
To which Tommy replies: "Aww, I wish I had Leucemia"

I met a girl last week who said she wanted to be treated like a princess, so I put her in the back of a mercedes and drove it into a tunnel wall.

What do you do if you see a paki run at you with half a head?
Stop laughing and reload (I'm not racist, this joke works with any ethnicity)

What did the little blind deaf and dumb boy get for christmas?
Cancer

A little boy is having a bath with his Dad and asks, "Daddy, what's the difference on our willie's?"
His Dad says, "Well for a start son, mine's is erect"

[Ari]

whats good about fuking thirty five year olds


theres thirty of them

[Artandsky]

Hi PepsiAddict

Here is something for you.

[Zhai]

I just had to register on this forum so I could post a few jokes of my own :p

What's blue and xxxxs old ladies?
Hypothermia.

What's red and xxxxs old ladies?
Me in my lucky red coat.

What's the hardest part of a vegetable?
The wheelchair.

What's got 20 legs and makes women scream?
Gang rape.

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, you're already told her twice.

Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.

Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat?
Because he's a xxxx.

Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
Because he doesn't know he's black.

How do you get a leper out of a bath?
With a sieve.

What do you do if an epeliptic has a fit in the bath?
Chuck your washing in.

Abortion: It really brings out the child in you.

/exit :D

[PepsiAddict]

Dirty Grandma Joke:

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

[PepsiAddict]

The elderly Italian:


The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

[PepsiAddict]

Footless Parrot

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into
specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs
onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy
is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.
I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.
If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in
and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."
The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He
did??!"
The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
on her breasts."
The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

[One-Way]

Abortion: It really brings out the child in you.

:laugh:

[scarylady]

Damn 45 views, 1 reply, I guess people didn't like it.

Have just joined & I must admit I thought those jokes were xxxxing brilliant:evil::evil::evil::evil:

[PepsiAddict]

Plane:
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He was gourgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman,and whispers: "Iron"

[Vigilante]

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

^Rip off from Family Guy. And you basically mutilated a perfectly funny joke.

And more then half the jokes you have suck and are redundant, with the punch line being the same thing. either babies or koala's or something really stupid.

Sorry dude, but comedy doesn't seem to be your thing.

[Vigilante]

What the xxxx is up with armeniankid and mouse guy with jokes about babies and death?

xxxx dude, therapy?

[Anonymouse]

Quiet you sensitive boy. Your jokes are even more lame. I warned the readers. If you don't like it, go read Sesame Street.

[Vigilante]

I didn't even say a joke, but im not gonna bother arguing with someone online.

[Anonymouse]

I didn't even say a joke, but im not gonna bother arguing with someone online.

Then why did you start the argument if you aren't going to continue it? Don't be like that. If you want the rules to apply, you shouldn't violate them either. Got it?

[Vigilante]

Start an argument? I just gave an opinion that these jokes xxxxin suck and that you and your friend need some help.

Don't get butt hurt over this buddy.

[PepsiAddict]

Dirty Joke:

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

[Sero]

LOL

This ones a classic from middle shcool:

There's a kid, a mom and a dad.

They're having guests over.

The kid goes into the bathroom and see's his dad shaving.

The dad cut's himself and says "Sh=it!"

The kid asks the dad what "Sh=it!" means.

The dad replies, "It means to shave."

So the kid goes into the kitchen and see's the mom cutting the turkey.

The mom accidentally cut's her finger and she says, "Fu=ck!"

The kid ask's the mom what "Fu=ck!" means.

The mom replies "It means to cut."

The door bell starts to ring.

The kid goes and answers it.

The guests ask the kid where his parents are.

The kid replies, "Dads upstairs in the bathroom shi=tting and mom's in the kitchen fu=cking the turkey."

[ArmoforLife6]

lol nice

[PepsiAddict]

Applying For A Job:

Ben applied for a job as bartender at the local hotel. The owner had heard that Ben had been fired from his last hotel job because he was always late, money was often missing from the till and it was rumoured that he was gay.
"I'll give you a chance" said the new employer "but if there's any money missing or you're late you will be fired immediately. Now give me a kiss and get to work."

[PepsiAddict]

Dave & The Wife:

Dave watched his flat chested wife try on her new bra.
"What do you want a bra for? You've got nothing to put in them", he smirked.
"I don't complain when you buy underpants she replied.

[Anonymouse]

hey im a female.im 13 years old.my name is ashley.i have a yahoo.

Get lost impostor.

Or I should just check your IP and ban you.

[Armenian]

Get lost impostor. Or I should just check your IP and ban you.

Would it be OK if it was the real thing? :confused:

I would like to see this thread deleted. Besides its disgusting/evil/tasteless content it is also attracting cyber filth.

[KarotheGreat]

you are a sick man.how dare you call me an imposter.i reported you.
for god's sake get a life instead of sitting on the computer watching
sick videos.oh ya GO TO HELL YOU BASTERED!

watch your language, never speak like that to an Armenian don't care who you are. And this is forum, so get ready to be insulted and if you don't like it here cvrvi (get out of here)

[PepsiAddict]

Young Parents:
The young parents used code words when discussing sex in front of their children. The terms for intercourse ws "washing machine".
They were lying in bed one night when he said to her, "Darling, washing machine."
"Not now, I've got a headache", she replied.
An hour later, he ran his hand down her leg and said, "Darling, washing machine, please! washing machine."
"I've got a headache!", she complained.
An hour later, feeling sorry for him, she turned to him and said, "O.K. washing machine."
"Don't worry", he replied, "it was a small load so I did it by hand."

[Sero]

So a teenage couple sneaks back at the guys crib at 1 am in the morning

They see that his little brother is asleep but they wanna have sex.

So the girl tells the guy she'll say tomato when she wants him to go faster and she'll say lettuce when she wants him to go slower and she'll say ham when she wants him to change positions

So the girl goes : "Lettuce Ham tomato, Tomato Ham Lettuce, Tomato Lettuce Tomato."

The little brother wakes up and says "Hey can you guys stop making sandwiches your getting mayonaise all over me."

LOL

[PepsiAddict]

Sero there are diffrent versions of that joke

[vasbourakan1]

a kid aged 9 walks in the corridor and hears some noise from his sisters, aged 16, bedroom. he comes close to the door and watches from the key hole and sees his sister naked caressing herself and saying, of I want a boy, oh I need a boy, so the kid does not understand and continues his road. the next day, same thing, the day after also, the fourth day when he looks through the key hole, he sees his sister naked with a boy kissing each other and etc, so he turns back quickly to his room, takes off his clothes and begins caressing himself saying, oh I want a bycicle, I need a byciycle

[PepsiAddict]

LOL that was actually funny

[PepsiAddict]

Hard Times:

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Damn. All I've got is thirty."

"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A handjob," Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

[Inthemood]

These jokes are sick. I just can't read them anymore.

[Anonymouse]

These jokes are sick. I just can't read them anymore.

Please go to Church to cleanse yourself. Mmkay?

[One-Way]

Omg, racist jokes and disgusting!?!!

[PepsiAddict]

French Couple:
The French couple asked their ten year old son what he wanted for Christmas.
"I wanna watch", he replied.
So they let him.
LOL LOL

[PepsiAddict]

The Dentist


A man and a woman meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the woman's place.

A few drinks later, the man takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The woman has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The man, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After they are done, the woman says, "You must be a good dentist."

The man, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

[Dirtsandwich]

Because I have heard a 1000 jokes, I can't keep track of them. So I created a joke file, this way I can. Some are not all sick and twisted and some are. And sorry for repeats that might have already been posted. Some might even be slightly different. Some are old and most of us have heard them before.



What's the only drink that can get a girl pregnant? A Squirt & Cider
________________________________
Everyday Dan would come home and slap his wife on the ass and say,
"Best Butt, best butt".
This continued day after day. So as a surprise for her husband she went to the tattoo parlor.
Can you tattoo "Best Butt" on my ass?
After hearing the price and having little money she could only afford to put a "B" on each cheek.
"That's good enough, that'll do".
The next day her husband came home and she flipped up her skirt and revealed her surprise...
"Who the hell is Bob?”
__________________________________________________ ____
A blond police woman pulls over a blond female driver.
"Sorry, but you were speeding back there and I'll need to see your license and registration please".
"What's a license?". As she's fumbling through her purse.
"It’s a small square/rectangular thing with your picture on it".
"Oh, here it is". As she hands the cop a small pocket mirror.
"I'm sorry, you can go now. I didn't know that you were a cop".
______________________________________________
My Grandpa told me he was getting stronger as he got older.
"What do you mean Grandpa?"
"Because when I was younger I could never push my boner down. Now I can".

___

A blond was driving down the road and noticed another blond rowing in a canoe way out in the middle of a corn field. She yells out to her:
"You know, it’s girls like you that give blonds a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and beat your ass".
__________________
"Get me a beer". The husband asks.
"I've been reading a lot about woman's rights, and I don't have to. Especially when you talk to me that way. Get your own beer". The wife replies.
"How would you like to not see me for a few days?"
"I'd love it. I'm sick of the way you treat me".
She didn't see him the next day. She didn't see him the second day. And she didn't see him the third day. The fourth day she could barely see him out of the corner of her right eye.
_____________________________________
A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:
"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"
" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading
a canon it blew me hand clean off".
"What about the eye-patch?".
"I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye".
"Well, that's not that bad..is it?"
"It was the first day I got me hook".
____________________________
What does Michael Jackson and Kmart have in common?
They both have boy’s underwear half off :
________________________________

What college did Michael Jackson attend?
Brigham Young
_______________________________________


A man was driving down the road and noticed a woman tied to some train tracks. He gets out, runs over to the girl and unties her then puts her into his truck.
Later that day his roommate comes home and he comes out of the bedroom and says:
"Dude, you wouldn't believe what happened today. It’s been the luckiest day of my life. Absolutely awesome".
"What...what?. The roommate asks.
I found this girl tied to some train tracks and then I brought her home and have been banging her all day".
"Really? No way. Did you get any head?"
"No, the train took care of that".
_________________________________________
A gay couple and a lesbian couple decide to go camping and will later meet the other one there at the camp.
Who made it there first?
The lesbian couple did because they left lickety-split, while the gay couple was still at home packing their sh!t.
________________________________
A bear goes into a bar and says:
"I'd like a beer".
"Sorry we don't serve beer to bears".
"How bout if I eat one of your customers? Will you then?"
"Yeah right! If you eat someone in here, I'll give you a beer".
So the bear eats a woman and has blood all over his teeth and face.
"So how bout that beer?"
"Sorry we don't serve beer to bears on drugs".
"What..., what's that suppose to mean".
"Because that was a barbiturate".
________________________
This joke is best, acted out.
A girl asks a friend
"What kind of surprise can I give my husband?"
"How bout a BJ?
"I've never done that before. I don't know if I'd be any good at it."
"Ohh that's silly, of course you can. It’s simple, just find something to practice on, like a ketchup bottle or something."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive, you'll do fine."
So a few days pass then her husband comes home from work and she says:
"I have a surprise for you."
So she grabs his D with one hand and starts violently pounding on the end of it with the palm of her other hand.
alternate ending-
So she grabs his D and shoves a butter knife down the hole.
___________________________
At the gates of Heaven:
"I'll give you another chance to live. And I'll reward your wife with a gift. This gift solely depends on how faithful she has been to you."
The first guy sees his wife driving a Lamborghini.
The second guy sees his wife driving a Cadillac.
The second guy asks the first guy:
Why is he crying?"
"Because he just saw his wife riding a skateboard down the road."
______________________________


A man was going to the pet store looking for an exotic pet. The owner says:
"Here's a chicken. It's got many colors to it like a rainbow."
"That's all you got?"
"Yes."
"Alright, I'll take it."
"But you can't call it a chicken because it will freak out. You have to call it a C*#k."
So on his way home after buying the chicken he sees another store and goes in.
"All we have is this rabbit that makes funny noises. But if you buy it you have to call it a pullit."
"Ok, fine."
So on his way home with his chicken and his rabbit he stops in at another store.
"All we have is this donkey. He talks. But if he stops walking just scratch him behind the ear and he'll start moving again."
So while the man is on his way home with his 3 new pets, the donkey just stops cold. Another man is passing. He asks the man passing by,
"Can you do me a favor? My hands are full. Can you hold my C*#k and pullit, while I scratch my ass?"

[Dirtsandwich]

"Thank you for enrolling into the French Foriegn Legion. I know you were hesitant on joining but I can assure you the next five years with us will be a big payoff for you. And you do understand, that you cannot back out and that you must fulfill your term here?"
"Yes I do Sir. And thank you. I do have one question though. Being that we are confined to this installation, how does one satisfy themselves if we have no contact with any women. I mean what do we do for sex, sir?"
"I understand boy. No need to worry there. Come here, I'll show you something. You see that barrel over there?"
"Yea."
"From Wednesday to Monday anytime you want you just stick your xxxx in the hole and get and BJ."
"Really! Cool. Alright then. Ohh..umm, you said Wednesday through Monday? Well why not Tuesday?"
"Because that's your day in the barrel"

___
What did one gay sperm say to another gay sperm?
“How are we supposed to find the egg in this xxxx!”
___

Two gay guys are in the shower and the phone rings.
“Hold on, I’ll get it. Don’t cum yet, alright? Don’t cum, wait till I get back.”
“Ok.”
When he gets back into the shower there’s cum all over the walls running down.
“Man, I told you not to cum yet…..damn!”
“I didn’t, …I farted.”

___
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

___
Did you hear about the guy who lost is left arm and his left leg? Well he's allright now
___
A philosopher, a mathematician, and a blonde go to hell. The devil says each of them can give him one question and if he gets it wrong they can go to heaven. The philosopher asks a hard question about life and the devil quickly answers it right. Then the mathematician asks a hard math question and once again the devil answers correctly. The blonde gets a chair and drills 3 wholes in t. Then sits on it and farts. She then asks which whole did the fart come out of. The devil said, that’s easy, all three. She goes, no stupid, it came out of my butt hole!
___

If you have a green ball in the left hand and a green ball in the right. What do you have?
Kermit the frog’s undivided attention.
_________________________________________


There’s a bloke on a plane. He needs to take a xxxx. He goes to the toilet, but the male toilets are out of order. The female attendant says use the female’s, "but what ever you do, do NOT press the ATR button." To which he exclaims, "What’s the ATR button?" "It doesn’t matter," she says, "Just don't press it." He goes in and takes a dump and then sees three buttons in front of him. WW - WA - ATR ... He thinks, ok she said nothing about the first two. He presses the WW. A jet of warm water comes up and washes his crack. He thinks, wow! This is great, so he presses the WA. A jet of warm air dries his ass. By now he's thinking, these women have it made, and they are trying to hide how good the ATR is from the men. He presses it and blacks out. He wakes up in a hospital. He presses the buzzer and a nurse comes running. "Nurse nurse! What happened? I was taking a dump when all of a sudden I woke up here!" The nurse looks at him with a frown and says, "You pressed the ATR button didn't you!" He looks at her confused and says, "Yeah, but what is the ATR button?" "It’s the automatic tampon remover, your xxxx and balls are in that jar on the counter.

______________________________________________
What is similar with McDonald’s and Michael Jackson?
They both put their meat in 5-year-old buns.
___

Why do blondes have such difficulty passing a driver's test?
Every time the car comes to a stop they jump in the back seat.
____
What goes vrooom-screech, vrooom-screech, vrooom-screech?
A blond driving through a blinking red light.
___
How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
Kick open the car door.
___
What's the first thing a blonde says when she finds out she's pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
____
What do you say to a blonde in a wheelchair if she has no arms and no legs?
"Nice tits!"

___
A Russian, an American and a blonde are talking one day. The Russian says, "We were the first in space!"
The American laughs and says, "So what! We were the first on the moon!"
The blonde says, "Who cares? We're gonna be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American look at each other and laugh. "You can't land on the sun, you fool! You'll burn up!"
The blonde turned up her nose and replied "We're not stupid you know. We're gonna go at night!"

____
There’s a brunette, a red head and a blonde. They are all sitting there pregnant and thinking of what sex their babies will be. The brunette says, "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top during sex." The red head says "I'm going to have a girl because my hubby was on top. The blonde bursts into tears! "What’s the matter?" The red head asks the blonde. "I'M HAVING PUPPIES!!!!!"
____

There are three blokes on an island stranded after their boat sunk.
Poof! A genie appears. An English man. An Italian. And an Aussie are all presented with a question. Make one wish to get off this island, what will you wish for? The English man says, "I wish I was back home in the city of London, filthy rich with girls that love having sex with me." Poof! Off he goes. The Italian looks at the genie knowing now that he indeed has powers and says "I a'wish'a for'a me to'a be back'a in Roma, to help my grandkids in their pizza store'a." Poof! Off he goes. The aussies sittin there, thinkin and thinkin. He scratches his balls and then says, "**** I dunno, I wish me mates were to here to help."
____

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball
into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden. POOF! In a flash and
puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother
Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of
your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for
the rest of your life... as a matter of fact, you won't have any
butter for anything the rest of your life!"
THEN POOF! She was gone. After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered
for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the xxxxx willows."
Dave yells back... "DON'T SWING, FRED!!! For the love of God, DON'T
SWING!!!"
____

An absolutely stunning 23 year old girl desperately wanted to be rich.....but she certainly didn't want to have to work. She didn't like the thought of marrying a rich guy, because it would only put a damper on all her party action. After a lot of thought, she decided her best bet was to marry some really old rich guy so that her departure from the party scene would be brief.
After a good deal of searching, she set her sights on a west Texas oilman/rancher who was pushing 90 years of age.
After wooing the man with all she had, they were married. He flew her to Manhattan for the honeymoon, taking her to the fanciest suite in the best hotel in town. After getting to their room, the old man wandered into the bathroom. The girl draped herself in the sexiest teddy she had and stretched out on the bed thinking how after only one night, she was bound to be a very rich widow.
Presently the old man walked out of the bathroom sporting the most enormous erection the girl had ever seen, and it was sheathed in a condom. The old man had wads of cotton stuffed in both ears and a clothespin on his nose.
Jumping off the bed, the girl asked "Why the hell do you look like that?".....
The old man chuckled and said "Darlin', there are two things in this world that I just can't stand.....the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber".
___

A man walked into a bar.
You'd think he would have ducked.
_____________________________

Mortal: "What is a million years like to you?"
God: "Like one second."
Mortal: "What is a million dollars like to you?"
God: "Like one penny."
Mortal: "Can I have a penny?"
God: "Just one second...."

___
A friend of mine got a Viagra pill caught in his throat, and he had a stiff neck for hours.
___
A truckload of Viagra was hijacked downtown yesterday. Police are still looking for three hardened criminals.
__
Don't argue with your wife... xxxxer.
____
A 21 year old walks into a bar and yells "barkeep! Five shots. Line'em up".
The barkeep lays out five shots and fills them with whiskey. The kid starts slamming the drinks one after another. When he gets to the fourth one, the barkeep covers the glass.
"What are you celebrating? No one drinks like this unless they are celebrating!"
The Kid gets a big smile and boasts "First xxxxxxx!"
The bartender exclaims "Hells yeah! Now THAT is something to celebrate. Tell you what...an extra shot on the house."
The kid waves his hand and says "Thanks, but that's not necessary, if the first five shots don't kill the taste, the sixth one won't either."

___


While out in the middle of nowhere a man became stranded when his car ran out of fuel. After walking a half a mile he sees a mansion and goes up to the door and knocks.
A butler opens the doors and the stranded man tells him he needs to use the phone. The butler says wait in here a moment. So as he waits he notices 3 big grandfather clocks each with a name above it. But also a fourth name with no clock under it.

1. Chris
2. John
3. Joe
4. name of your choice?

The man asks the butler:
"Why do you have names above all these clocks?"
"Each clock represents that person. Every time they whack off, the hands go around on that clock."
"So how come there's no clock under “name of your choice” name?"
"Oh, because we use that clock as a fan in the back room."

____

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
> African desert.
> During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up
> behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
> The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here
> on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's
> why we have the camel."
> The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about
> urges, so the camel can stay."
> About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges.
> Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
> Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
> his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
> When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?", "No,
> not really, Sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the
> girls are...

____
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a
20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage she went into hospital to
give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This
is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to
keep that old motor running". The following year the young bride gave
birth again. The same nurse said, you really are amazing. How do you do
it?" He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running". The same
thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "Well, well, well! You
certainly are quite a man!" He responded "You've got to keep that old
motor running". The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil.
This one's black.
-____
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out. 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde." The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."
____
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It’s Braille for "suck here".
___
Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under.
___
Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
___
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they
go they take your house and car with them.
___
Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch

[Dirtsandwich]

A horse walks into the bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"


____


A man finds that he is unable to perform, after several years of married
life
He goes to his doctor, who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.
So the doctor refers him to a witch doctor, who says, "I can cure this." He
throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue
smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it
once a year. All you have to do is say "123," and "it" will rise up for as
long as you wish!"
The guy replies, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?"
"All you or your partner has to say is '1234,' and it will go down." But be
warned: "It will not work again for another year."
The guy goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. He
showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. After he gets
into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123," and suddenly he gets a massive
erection , just as the witch doctor said.
His wife, who was facing the other way, turns over and says, "What did you
say '123' for?"
_____________


Why don't elephants like to eat clowns?
Because they taste funny
___
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court. The judge looks at Mickey and says, "So Mr. Mouse, you want to divorce your wife because you say she is crazy." Mickey shouts back at the judge, "I didn't say she was crazy...she’s f'ing Goofy!"

____

What do you call a cow that is buried? Ground Beef!
What do you call a cow that is masturbating? Beef Stroganoff !
___

What’s green and faintly smells of pork? Kermit’s finger

___
What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard
___
There's 2 cannibals in the jungle eating a clown.
One turns to the other and asks, "this taste funny to you"?
___
What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
They both leave boy’s houses with empty sacks.
__
So this guy comes home and sees his girlfriend is pissed. Her bags are packed and she's leaving him. He rushes over to her and asks what's wrong. She says, "Someone told me you're a pedophile!!!" And he says "Well isn't that a big word for a 9-year-old."

____

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, D!ck, let's go."
__________________________________________________ __
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. "The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’ "There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘OK, now what?’"
________________________
A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,
"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."
The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."


___


There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.
He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.
The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy says.
Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".
"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.
She plays with his testicles for about an hour then takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".
"How did you know?" the boy asked.
Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

___
The teenage daughter asks: “Dad, can I have $50?”
The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to blow me first."
Needing the money real bad, she agreed.
As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up and said "Dad your D tastes like sh!t"
”Oh yea”, her father replied, "Your brother wanted to borrow the car tonight."
___

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as ever. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for.""That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."
___
Q: How do you know if you're at a gay picnic?
A: The hotdogs all taste like sh!t!
___
A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, "Every flavor of ice cream in the world.""Bullsh!t," thinks the man and walks in. "So you say you have every flavor of ice cream in the world?" "O.K., I would like three scoops of xxxx flavored ice cream please.""No problem sir." The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick. Grimacing, he says, "This tastes like sh!t!" The assistant replies, "Don’t take such long licks you moron!"
___________________________________
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.
His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"
Oh, no: I never found her head.

___
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.
One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"
___

2 guys and a girl are stranded on an island. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
With no other options and after a few months of having sex the two guys felt bad about what they were doing…. so

They buried her.
___
A guy in driving down the road and picks up a polish hitch hiker. “Hop in sir!” the drivers says. 1 mile down the road the driver smells something really bad and asks the guy, “Hey, did you crap your pants?” The hiker says “No!” 2 miles down the road the driver smells it worse now and says, “Are you sure you didn’t sh!t your pants?” The hiker says “Yes, I’m sure,…I didn’t”. 3 miles down the road the driver can’t stand the smell and yells,”Get out!” The hiker gets out. The driver says, “I don’t believe you. Pull your pants down.” So the hiker pulls his pants down and there’s sh!t everywhere. All down his legs. “I thought you said you didn’t sh!t your pants!” “Oh, I thought you meant today.”

[Parskahye]

Q: How do you get ten babies in a bucket?
A: With a blender.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: With tortilla chips!

[PepsiAddict]

Admiring Our Own Work:

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

[PepsiAddict]

Johnnys Camp TRip

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

[PepsiAddict]

The Marathon Man

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.
Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock . The guy drops his pants and starts.
True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99.............
...and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.
The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don't understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!"

[Sero]

I love reading your jokes pepsi but for some reason I didn't understand the one above

[PepsiAddict]

I love reading your jokes pepsi but for some reason I didn't understand the one above

He had a heartattack because he practiced also befor emaking love so he practice on a 100 woman then starte dover again to much for him lol.

[gmd]

What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers?
100 people that don't do d-i-c-k.

[PepsiAddict]

Little Johnny & Teacher:
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

[PepsiAddict]

30th Birthday:

It was my 30th birthday and I wasn't feeling too great when I woke up that morning.

I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday."

I figured, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday."

I felt a little better - at least someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, she smiled at me and said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

Mad at my wife for forgetting about my birthday, not to mention that Janet was quite beautiful, I felt justified in staying. "Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a few minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.

They were all singing Happy Birthday... and there I sat on the couch... naked.

[spoiled052]

this was rly stupid.
BOOOOO
I WAS LOOKING FOR SOME AWESOME SICK NASTY JOKES AND THESE WERE RETARDED.

[PepsiAddict]

this was rly stupid.
BOOOOO
I WAS LOOKING FOR SOME AWESOME SICK NASTY JOKES AND THESE WERE RETARDED.

Sorry to have dissapointed you.

[One-Way]

I'll edit this down because I don't like posting bad words. :o

---------------

A guy takes his wife to the doctor because she's been feeling strange.

After examining the wife for quite a while, the doctor tells the husband, "Well, it's either Alzheimers or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" The husband says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what, drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't have sex with her."

[One-Way]

I don't know why but this is hilarious.

---------------

Hal is petrified of girls, so he asks his friend Lenny how he meets so many nice chicks.

Lenny says, "I have a surefire method to feel them out. I go up behind a girl and whisper, 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' And when she turns around and asks what I said, I say, 'Typical nasty weather.' If she smiles or laughs, I know she has a sense of humor, we chat, and it all happens naturally. Try it."

The next night, nervous but desperate, Hal goes to a very crowded bar, and sits in the corner, stewing, nursing a drink, getting more uptight every second. Finally, he walks up behind the nicest girl in the place, and after a few minutes of stammering, blurts out so everybody can hear, "Stick my finger in your ass?"

She turns around and says, "WHAT!?"

He says, "It's freaking pouring outside."

[PepsiAddict]

I'll edit this down because I don't like posting bad words. :o

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A guy takes his wife to the doctor because she's been feeling strange.

After examining the wife for quite a while, the doctor tells the husband, "Well, it's either Alzheimers or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" The husband says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what, drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't have sex with her."

LOL One- Way

[PepsiAddict]

Airplane:

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[PepsiAddict]

Office:

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

[PepsiAddict]

Fun With Elements

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

[Mizzike]

What do you call two nuts on the wall?

Walnuts.

What do you call two nuts on your chest?

Chestnuts.

What do you call two nuts on your chin?

D*** in your mouth.

XD

[PepsiAddict]

LOL Mizzike